The Lovely World of Side Effects

To say I haven't been feeling like myself this week would be a great understatement. Kind of like saying that the Grand Canyon is "deep", it just doesn't do justice to the description. But first, the backstory...

So last Thursday I had my monthly scheduled check-in with GI, not to be confused with my weekly check-in with GI because of the other little hurdles that come up in between... Of course the main topic of conversation, as it has been for over the past year, has been the nausea and vomiting. I've been taking Ativan used off-label to help with those symptoms, and while effective at first, it's been slowly losing it's effectiveness. The doctor decided to try a medication called cyproheptadine on me, as it can be effective for cyclical vomiting.

This week has been a constant whirlpool struggle. I break down into tears, feel so sad, angry and confused all at the same time. I'm muddled, befuddled, and muzzy. But just as easy as the tears come, all of a sudden I feel on top of the world and excited about the newest scientific breakthroughs. But then, I drop down again and it feels as though the world is on top of me. And this cycle repeats itself several times a day. Clearly something is wrong, and since it all started with a new medication, I'm putting my money on it being a reaction to it. My doctor has asked that I continue with it for another week, to see if it's just an adjustment period or if it's due to the weaning of the Ativan. All I know is that it feels at times as though I'm in a state of complete blackness that I don't know how to escape from.

So I'm hanging on, hanging in, and refusing to hang it up. I'm shedding my tears and warming my heart with love and hope. Tomorrow might seem like so far away, but that's alright, because I can hold hope that the next moment is going to be better. This is how things are right now, but it won't always be that way. I just have to remember all of that during those dark moments. I need to remember that it's ok to cry, it's ok to feel bad, and even the strongest of us have our moments of weakness. And that's ok too.