"Nothing but blue skies from now on". It's been a crazy month, even by my own standards. I'm fresh out of surgery #13 and tomorrow will be going back to the operating room for #14, the placement of the GTube (long-term feeding tube).
I've had a week to adjust to the news that we were moving ahead with getting the permanent feeding tube. I wrote a post about my worries and fears when I first found out about it that you can read HERE.
Today I came to the realization that I'm ready. I know that I'm going to need long-term nutrition support; I've been admitted to the hospital 4 times in the last 3 years just for that. I've lived with this NG Feeding tube snaked through my nose and into my stomach since last February. I'm ready to get my face back and remind my friends what I look like without it all there. I'm ok with the fact that this is going to be very long-term. I have such horrible anxiety with the NG Tube insertion so I'm taking comfort in knowing that I won't have to worry about that in the future.
Acceptance is a strange thing. I didn't think I could ever get used to injections but after awhile, it's not that bad (except for some meds that sting!). I didn't think I'd ever, ever accept the fact that my "human waste" is collected in a baggie, but now I barely even think about it. Sometimes I even forget about the NG Tube in my nose until someone asks about it or stares at me strangely. My medical equipment is really just the super-bionic part of me. I wish that it gave me super-powers though.
I think with chronic illness, acceptance is a struggle for a lot of people. Nobody wants to live with an incurable illness that may require a lot of medical attention. Nobody wants the medical interventions that can go with some diseases. Yet, if we want to stay as healthy as possible, these medical treatments are necessary. To fight against them, at least in my case, would be a losing battle. As I see it, the only choice is to accept the changes and adjust to the new normal. And by choosing to accept what is happening to my body, I'm at the same time choosing happiness and hope.